Two Letters That Control You

Fear is a dirty word. But what's even worse is that tiny, seemingly insignificant word that is almost always behind fear. The cause of nearly every single terror is "if."
If and then and might. If I do this then that might happen. If you ask me, that's a pretty shaky phrase to base even the smallest of decisions on. But we do it, we all do it, almost daily. And we condition ourselves this way, too. The "if" in question is often pulled from a "then" that has already occurred once before in life. Then, then, then... why you gotta stick around in the corners of my brain? It doesn't even matter if we're over the specific "then." We don't forget the ways in which we never want to feel again. So, we "if" ourselves right out of actions that could just make up for all of that misery the former "thens" have caused. I don't want to be that way... I wont. I'll no longer play it safe. I see no reason to go anywhere half way.  Holding the potential for something amazing and missing out on it for fear of two little letters is tragic. I want to feel fireworks and I won't settle for sparklers.

Why Would They Wait?

I had a debate with a friend the other day that got my mind stuck on this topic. The discussion started over the Sam Pepper stuff. If you don’t know, he’s being accused of a wide range of sexual crimes. However, any solid proof remains to be seen because the victims all waited too long to report these offenses to actually be able to provide any physical evidence. My friend’s reasoning was that yes, he feels sympathy for victims of crimes like this, but why would they wait to come forward with such serious accusations? I couldn’t seem to get one simple point across to him in a way he could understand. So, I’m going to try to explain it in greater detail in a minute. But for now, the simple and short version is this: the thought process of someone who has been seriously violated is not at all logical. Not at all.

As human beings with life experiences and through observing the experiences of others, we learn logic. We understand blame, fault, right and wrong. Sitting in a jury, most people would be able to decide fairly quickly who did what wrong and where blame lies. It’s pretty safe to say that when something really traumatic happens to you, though, the lines become blurred. We don’t want to make a fuss, maybe we’re exaggerating.

Maybe it’s our brain telling us that something this horrible could not have possibly happened to us to try to save us from the sure psychological agony that would follow if we let ourselves believe that what actually happened… happened. Maybe it’s adrenaline and hormones clouding our judgment. I don’t know the exact scientific reasoning off hand, but I do know this: A victim of sexual abuse does not think clearly about the offense. You can argue with me about that until you’re blue in the face and you will not change my mind. This is something I’m sure of.

In order to attempt to help people understand why sexual abuse (of any kind, but more specifically, rape) is often not reported immediately after it happens, I have decided to walk you through the mind of a victim so that maybe, just maybe, it can be understood why anyone would wait. Why would they wait until after they’ve taken a shower? Why would they wait until the lacerations have healed? What possible reason would they have to even report it weeks after it happened? If it didn’t bother them enough to report it when it happened, there’s no sense in worrying about it now. What most people don’t realize is that that is exactly the problem. This person has been through absolute turmoil within their own mind from the second of contact until… well, they still are. And I’m not talking about one specific person. I’m talking about all of them. Anyone who has ever been forced to participate in any sexual act against their will, no matter how small that act may seem within our society.

Before I continue, I need to stress that the portion below is absolutely NOT what I think is the correct way of thinking and not how I feel about people who have been in this situation. It is absolutely an irrational thought process, and is wrong on so many levels.

During the act:

During whatever act of sexual abuse is happening, there is a lot going on in the mind of a victim all at once. At first, there’s disbelief, “This isn’t really happening to me.” Maybe it’s a nightmare, maybe I’m hallucinating. This isn’t real. When the victim decides it is real, then comes fear. The ultimate fear. We’ve all seen murder mysteries. We know what happens to the girl you rape. You kill her to cover your tracks. Am I going to die?

Then there’s that span of time where your mind is with your body and you pay attention to every detail. Agony. Complete and utter physical and mental agony. Worse than anything you can imagine. And heartbreak like you’re not even capable of comprehending. At some point you pull yourself out of feeling all of that pain and time slows down as it seems like you’re watching something horrible that you can't stop,  happening… to yourself.  Then there’s fight or flight: in most cases, it’s going to be flight. Your brain is trying to decide what the quickest, safest escape for you is once this person decides they’re done. Because nobody really wants to end up dead, even if they’ve just been through something traumatic.

Once it’s over and you’ve made it a safe distance alive (Seriously, fear of being murdered is probably the most logical of all of this thought process), the best way to describe the jumbled mess of feelings is horror. You feel violated and disgusted. Then, there’s fear again. If you tell someone what just happened to you, what will the person who did it do? Obviously, they’re capable of some pretty horrible things.

There’s the blame/guilt phase of the thought process in which somehow, the victim always finds a way to blame his or herself for what has just happened to them. I shouldn’t have been drunk. I shouldn’t have worn that. They rack their brain for anything and everything they could have done differently to prevent the act. This is the stage where logic leaves the thought process. You will use things to put blame on yourself that you would never use had you been evaluating the same situation happening to someone (anyone) else.

Shame/self-disgust: Since inside of your mind, this thing that happened to you was clearly your fault, you become ashamed of what “you did.” This and the blame/guilt portion of the thought process are the main factors in why rape does not get reported before physical evidence has been 1. Washed away; and 2. Healed (yes, it often takes that long to realize that you’re not thinking rationally). You feel repulsive, disgusting, and dirty. The first thing a person who feels dirtier than they ever have in their life is going to do is bathe. A shower will not wash the images from your mind or the way you now feel about yourself, but it will wash away the most likely to convict evidence.

Self-image: And how do you feel about yourself now? You’re disgusting. A filthy creature. Like I said, logic is gone, for had this actually been consensual, you would not be repulsed. And in a lot of cases, you feel like a tease. If I hadn’t done/worn this or that, this person wouldn’t have done this. You feel like you owed whatever they got out of the act to them. And then, you feel like a whore. You’ve committed some sexual act with someone you didn’t want to. That makes you a whore. So now, you’re a disgusting pile of garbage and you’re never going to deserve a consensual relationship of any kind again. Because you’re filthy, you’re no longer good enough for anyone you may actually want to be with.

What usually happens after all of this is that someone has to convince the victim they have been victimized. Sometimes this is done indirectly. A lot of times, actually, because often this topic never leaves the victim’s mind. What I mean is they don’t often talk about it… because: shame. Once they realize and admit to themselves that they actually have been done wrong, and they’re sure of it THEN they go to the police. Only then. But this step doesn’t always happen. And even when it does, it’s usually way too late for a conviction. And then, what good does a trial do the victim? It does mounds and mounds of damage to their psychological state and absolutely nothing to the violator. Proof is important. If there is none, there is no case. But you better believe that that scumbag’s lawyer is going to bring up those irrational things you’ve already thought about your skirt being too short or that time you were nice to the guy (A.K.A. “flirted” with him, because there’s no such thing as being nice without flirting anymore) and turn you into a puddle of used, damaged, misery on the courtroom floor for everyone to see. 

“She’s obviously unstable, your honor. May we be dismissed?”

Rapist walks free, and you spend the rest of your life paying for therapy.

To be honest with you, I really thought I would write this and then get over it. I write a lot of things that I don’t post, but for some reason this topic keeps coming up. So, here I am posting something that I wanted to write, but didn’t really want to share. And if I’m going to share it, I may as well finish what I started.

The best way to fix the issue of these offenses not being reported when they should be is the same as with most major issues: awareness and education. What to do and WHY to do it in the right time frame is something that needs to be taught. To children. Elementary School children, Middle School children, High School children… And your two-year-old. I’m not joking. If you want a heated debate, argue with me on that. It needs to be brought up in the workplace, in college, everywhere, really. Because who really knows what to do when they’re faced with a situation they never thought would happen to them? And why should anyone ever be punished not only after but FOR being damaged for life.

Another thing that is important to understand when dealing with someone (friend, family member, significant other) who has been sexually abused is that they need a lot of reassurance. Part of that thought cycle never breaks. It repeats, randomly. So, at times they may be fine. But sometimes, they get stuck there in that place. They need to know that people in their life are not there to use them. They’ve already been used. Feeling like you’re not only worthy of the people in your life, but are actually important to them can sometimes be a struggle. Make sure they know that they are important. Yelling is a bad idea. Actually, any kind of overly dominant behavior is a bad idea. In most cases, they already feel inferior to you on some level, don’t make that worse. Sometimes they need to be built up. Sometimes, they can do that for themselves. But sometimes, a little help in the right direction can make a world of difference.

If anyone who has actually been through any kind of abuse is reading this, you need to know that even though you often feel like something has been taken from you, you are still special. You are capable of being loved, and you do deserve it. The above thought process, while recurring, is all wrong. You did not cause what happened to you. I don’t care what reason you’ve come up with to blame yourself, you didn’t.