How Did I Get Here?

For reasons I'd rather not make public, today has been a seriously stressful day for me. It was one of those big stresses, one of the important ones. It wasn't over something petty, this was some gigantic stuff that I was, or am, dealing with. But at the end of the day, I found myself immensely grateful for so many people that I couldn't find a group to bunch them in. What thing do they all have in common? Me. And then, I had to over-think that... because that's just what I do. I never thought that it was possible to be so blessed that every single person in my life was a treasure, and none of them a chore.

How did I get here? It started the day I decided that I wanted to be happy, whatever that took. I didn't even know. But from that day, I started eliminating negative forces in my life. Everyone has things that aren't positive that they have to deal with from time to time. But I came to find that most of my unhappiness came from other people. I spent too much time, energy, emotion on people who made me miserable. These negative people who were weighing me down were all people that I loved, whether they were friends or family or even significant others (I had to learn that last lesson more than once).

I started with Facebook, as silly as that sounds. Anyone I caught myself saying, "why are all of your posts negative," about, I either unfollowed or removed from my friends list altogether. And then, I stopped worrying about the family members that I had put too much effort into who wouldn't even help themselves. If I found myself in several arguments and very few (or zero) delightful conversations with someone, I quit reaching out to them. I quit responding to them in great detail when they would contact me to complain. I quit feeding the monster. When what had once been an overhaul of negative energy died down, I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to help these people feel better about themselves. It wasn't my responsibility to carry their burdens with them. They wouldn't do it for me.

I'm not saying never do something for someone that they wouldn't do for you. What I am saying is that if someone doesn't add anything positive to your life, you should ask yourself why they're in it at all. Friends that I've known for over a decade, I quit speaking to. Why? Because they were all negative. They didn't add anything good to my life. I am not the same person I was ten years ago, and neither are they. I had to deal with the fact that sometimes life just takes people, who were once connected, down different paths. Family that I had been seriously attached to, I distanced myself from. Why? Because, of all of my relationships, some of my biological bonds were the most toxic. I had to ask myself, "Should I really be doing all of this for this person who obviously doesn't even care about me... who would never help me in any way? Why am I giving them my energy, my brain space, my happiness?"

The significant other thing was a more difficult lesson for me. I think it's because the beginning of a relationship is always positive. But as time goes on, you learn more about a person. And the more you learn isn't always more to love or even like. I never wanted to be the type of person who wouldn't work things out. I always wanted to believe that if both sides were willing to be reasonable and communicate about any issues that came along, two people could make a relationship work. And I still do believe that, but there are stipulations to it. You have to both be honest, first to yourself, and then to one another. If you don't have complete honesty, you won't be able to work through the tiniest issue. Another is that not everyone is compatible. Some people need more work, more care.

I got myself into a situation where if I wasn't alienated, my partner was never going to be happy, even though they would never admit that. They wanted all of my energy, all of my brain space, all of my happiness. They weren't up for sharing it. I'm not a party animal, but I do have friends. I need them. Maybe not everyone does, but I do. And in friendships, I don't see gender. My partner did, and saw the dominant gender on my friends list as a threat to our relationship. Again, that's not something this person would openly admit... not even to their self. That relationship got to the point where it was so stressful that I was never happy. It was void of one of the dominant things that I require: trust. Even though this person said they trusted me, their actions told a completely different story. They needed to know where I was and what I was doing at all hours of the day and night. Needed. If for some reason I didn't tell them within a time-span they deemed acceptable, they would hunt me down via Facebook 'nearby friends.' That IS NOT healthy behavior. I saw that red flag. But I didn't have anything to hide, so I "whatever-ed" it away, and it added to my unhappiness. This, and several other things that I'm not even going to touch on, quickly piled onto my very small shoulders. But the last thing this significant other placed up there, the thing that broke me, was when I caught them in a lie. Now I knew why they couldn't trust me. Because they weren't trustworthy. Perhaps I hand out trust too easily, because I like to believe that people are decent until they give me a reason to believe otherwise. But that's not a behavior or belief that I ever hope to change.

Today, I find myself exactly where I wanted to be when I began to cut negative people from my life. The family that I keep in touch with is loving, supportive, and helpful beyond measure. The friends that I still talk to bring me joy, give me good advice, and they care about my overall well-being. I am in a healthy relationship with someone who makes everything an adventure. The amount of trust they have proven to me repeatedly (perhaps without even realizing it) is unbelievable. I am respected. Any boundaries I set are respected. I am loved, not smothered. I am told all of these things in gestures just as much as in words, and it is magnificent. This relationship does not add an ounce of stress to my life. In fact, my partner is constantly trying to subtract stress from my life. And if I'm being honest, this is probably the first actually healthy relationship I've ever had. Looking back, it's hard to understand why simple things were twisted into such complications in past relationships. I am not, by any means, saying that I am blameless in that. But all I've ever wanted was to love someone who loves me the same way that I love... With trust, affection, and space, appreciation for the things and people in my life that bring me joy... and with passion. I don't know why these things are so rare. I had almost lost all hope that they existed together in anyone else. But I've found it all in one person, and nothing short of a yetti attack is ripping me from this wonderful human being.

Everyone who is in my life today is there for a reason, and it isn't because they have ill intentions. I once told someone that very sentence, and then they proved me wrong. But today, I'm quite certain that it's 100% accurate. I am grateful for every single person who is in my life, and each of these people have made my life better by just being themselves and being in it. I think I have my dream team assembled. I know I have the best support system in the world. And I know that my energy, my brain space, and my emotions are far better distributed than they used to be.

Reflection

I talk a lot without saying much of anything important. I don't do half of what I want to do. I'm always putting someone else before myself, even in times when from the outside it seems I'm being selfish. I have a ton of close acquaintances and a good handful of great friends, but very few people get to really see me. I share myself in bits and pieces but never all of me with anyone, I honestly don't think anyone has known me in the past 10 years without me holding something back.

Several months ago, I ended a 5 year relationship with someone I've known for most of my life... for both of us to later realize that even he didn't know me as well as he should have, and that was my fault. And it's okay. I've been burned by people I've loved without condition. And those people happen to be the ones that got that. They got me, unfiltered. And then, they left. Several times over, and I repeatedly let those people back into my life without any barriers or guards. Exactly two people have broken my heart. Those people built my walls for me. And to make matters better, both of them walked away for substances that will only eventually kill them. I'm not better than that?

I've been trying so hard to take down those walls, brick by brick, but it's taking me time. Time I wish I could be spending on the other side of them. There are things in my life I could and would work around to be loved the right way. And that can come in any form. Love does not always have to do with romance. But every now and then, I can see the light shining through the wall where I've painfully, yet successfully removed a portion of it. And in those moments I often wish that there would just one time be someone on the other side of that wall with a jackhammer, trying just as hard as I am to tear it down. Every now and then I could use a little help. Everyone says words mean nothing and I'll admit that actions speak more. But sometimes, words are what I need.

I still spend most of my time in my little force-field wondering if the light on the other side of that wall is something worth removing another brick with my bare hands for or if it might actually be a train with someone I thought was worth it in control waiting to plow me over. Control, that's another issue. I've had people mention the fact that I don't always make eye contact when I speak to them. It makes them feel like I'm being dishonest or like I'm up to something. That is not a sign of dishonesty from me. It's a learned behavior. Another battle for me, yay. I could write a book and most of the people close to me would die of shock over just half of what I've been through. Yet, I seem pretty open, even from behind these walls, don't I? I can talk to pretty much anyone about pretty much anything, just not everything.

But of all the issues I deal with, my most persistent one is urgency. Whatever is happening right now defines the situation. I fight that so hard but it still happens daily. If you call or text me one day and I'm like, "I'm sorry, who is this?" that means it's been a month since I've talked to you, and I've pretty well assumed you're finished with whatever you were using me for. .

I've been objectified and used in some form or another by people since age four and I don't assume the world is going to change the way it sees me any time soon, therefore, that's how I initially see people. I have something they want or the ability to do something they want. Why else would they enter my life? Those who have been around for years, I stopped seeing you like this yesterday. That's probably not even that much of an exaggeration. It seems my life runs in 5 year spans so I'd say if you've been around for 6 or more, I consider you in that handful I mentioned earlier.

None of this is really significant information for anyone to know. I'm just in the process of trying to improve myself so that I can enjoy life more, and the best place to start is reflection. I guess if you get anything out of reading this, it should be that most people are a mess in some way. We are victims of life only if we let experiences define us.

I'll admit to allowing past experience to dictate the way I see people in general and how I deal with things internally. And yeah, everyone should learn from experience, but letting the past control you is stupid. I've made a lot of improvements in opening up to people and thus far it hasn't really yielded any grand results. Want to know why? Because I'm not the only one closed off because of the way people treat each other. Most people find it hard to accept that someone is in their life because they want to be there and not because they want something from them. And people always leave, so getting attached is dangerous. It pretty much comes down to trust. Can I trust that this person is what they seem? Can I trust that they'll stay? Feeling like the answer could be yes to both of those questions is scary. But when you find someone you can answer yes to those questions about and not constantly doubt it, it's a beautiful feeling. Eventually that will come around for me again, and for you too, if you let it.

Two Letters That Control You

Fear is a dirty word. But what's even worse is that tiny, seemingly insignificant word that is almost always behind fear. The cause of nearly every single terror is "if."
If and then and might. If I do this then that might happen. If you ask me, that's a pretty shaky phrase to base even the smallest of decisions on. But we do it, we all do it, almost daily. And we condition ourselves this way, too. The "if" in question is often pulled from a "then" that has already occurred once before in life. Then, then, then... why you gotta stick around in the corners of my brain? It doesn't even matter if we're over the specific "then." We don't forget the ways in which we never want to feel again. So, we "if" ourselves right out of actions that could just make up for all of that misery the former "thens" have caused. I don't want to be that way... I wont. I'll no longer play it safe. I see no reason to go anywhere half way.  Holding the potential for something amazing and missing out on it for fear of two little letters is tragic. I want to feel fireworks and I won't settle for sparklers.

Why Would They Wait?

I had a debate with a friend the other day that got my mind stuck on this topic. The discussion started over the Sam Pepper stuff. If you don’t know, he’s being accused of a wide range of sexual crimes. However, any solid proof remains to be seen because the victims all waited too long to report these offenses to actually be able to provide any physical evidence. My friend’s reasoning was that yes, he feels sympathy for victims of crimes like this, but why would they wait to come forward with such serious accusations? I couldn’t seem to get one simple point across to him in a way he could understand. So, I’m going to try to explain it in greater detail in a minute. But for now, the simple and short version is this: the thought process of someone who has been seriously violated is not at all logical. Not at all.

As human beings with life experiences and through observing the experiences of others, we learn logic. We understand blame, fault, right and wrong. Sitting in a jury, most people would be able to decide fairly quickly who did what wrong and where blame lies. It’s pretty safe to say that when something really traumatic happens to you, though, the lines become blurred. We don’t want to make a fuss, maybe we’re exaggerating.

Maybe it’s our brain telling us that something this horrible could not have possibly happened to us to try to save us from the sure psychological agony that would follow if we let ourselves believe that what actually happened… happened. Maybe it’s adrenaline and hormones clouding our judgment. I don’t know the exact scientific reasoning off hand, but I do know this: A victim of sexual abuse does not think clearly about the offense. You can argue with me about that until you’re blue in the face and you will not change my mind. This is something I’m sure of.

In order to attempt to help people understand why sexual abuse (of any kind, but more specifically, rape) is often not reported immediately after it happens, I have decided to walk you through the mind of a victim so that maybe, just maybe, it can be understood why anyone would wait. Why would they wait until after they’ve taken a shower? Why would they wait until the lacerations have healed? What possible reason would they have to even report it weeks after it happened? If it didn’t bother them enough to report it when it happened, there’s no sense in worrying about it now. What most people don’t realize is that that is exactly the problem. This person has been through absolute turmoil within their own mind from the second of contact until… well, they still are. And I’m not talking about one specific person. I’m talking about all of them. Anyone who has ever been forced to participate in any sexual act against their will, no matter how small that act may seem within our society.

Before I continue, I need to stress that the portion below is absolutely NOT what I think is the correct way of thinking and not how I feel about people who have been in this situation. It is absolutely an irrational thought process, and is wrong on so many levels.

During the act:

During whatever act of sexual abuse is happening, there is a lot going on in the mind of a victim all at once. At first, there’s disbelief, “This isn’t really happening to me.” Maybe it’s a nightmare, maybe I’m hallucinating. This isn’t real. When the victim decides it is real, then comes fear. The ultimate fear. We’ve all seen murder mysteries. We know what happens to the girl you rape. You kill her to cover your tracks. Am I going to die?

Then there’s that span of time where your mind is with your body and you pay attention to every detail. Agony. Complete and utter physical and mental agony. Worse than anything you can imagine. And heartbreak like you’re not even capable of comprehending. At some point you pull yourself out of feeling all of that pain and time slows down as it seems like you’re watching something horrible that you can't stop,  happening… to yourself.  Then there’s fight or flight: in most cases, it’s going to be flight. Your brain is trying to decide what the quickest, safest escape for you is once this person decides they’re done. Because nobody really wants to end up dead, even if they’ve just been through something traumatic.

Once it’s over and you’ve made it a safe distance alive (Seriously, fear of being murdered is probably the most logical of all of this thought process), the best way to describe the jumbled mess of feelings is horror. You feel violated and disgusted. Then, there’s fear again. If you tell someone what just happened to you, what will the person who did it do? Obviously, they’re capable of some pretty horrible things.

There’s the blame/guilt phase of the thought process in which somehow, the victim always finds a way to blame his or herself for what has just happened to them. I shouldn’t have been drunk. I shouldn’t have worn that. They rack their brain for anything and everything they could have done differently to prevent the act. This is the stage where logic leaves the thought process. You will use things to put blame on yourself that you would never use had you been evaluating the same situation happening to someone (anyone) else.

Shame/self-disgust: Since inside of your mind, this thing that happened to you was clearly your fault, you become ashamed of what “you did.” This and the blame/guilt portion of the thought process are the main factors in why rape does not get reported before physical evidence has been 1. Washed away; and 2. Healed (yes, it often takes that long to realize that you’re not thinking rationally). You feel repulsive, disgusting, and dirty. The first thing a person who feels dirtier than they ever have in their life is going to do is bathe. A shower will not wash the images from your mind or the way you now feel about yourself, but it will wash away the most likely to convict evidence.

Self-image: And how do you feel about yourself now? You’re disgusting. A filthy creature. Like I said, logic is gone, for had this actually been consensual, you would not be repulsed. And in a lot of cases, you feel like a tease. If I hadn’t done/worn this or that, this person wouldn’t have done this. You feel like you owed whatever they got out of the act to them. And then, you feel like a whore. You’ve committed some sexual act with someone you didn’t want to. That makes you a whore. So now, you’re a disgusting pile of garbage and you’re never going to deserve a consensual relationship of any kind again. Because you’re filthy, you’re no longer good enough for anyone you may actually want to be with.

What usually happens after all of this is that someone has to convince the victim they have been victimized. Sometimes this is done indirectly. A lot of times, actually, because often this topic never leaves the victim’s mind. What I mean is they don’t often talk about it… because: shame. Once they realize and admit to themselves that they actually have been done wrong, and they’re sure of it THEN they go to the police. Only then. But this step doesn’t always happen. And even when it does, it’s usually way too late for a conviction. And then, what good does a trial do the victim? It does mounds and mounds of damage to their psychological state and absolutely nothing to the violator. Proof is important. If there is none, there is no case. But you better believe that that scumbag’s lawyer is going to bring up those irrational things you’ve already thought about your skirt being too short or that time you were nice to the guy (A.K.A. “flirted” with him, because there’s no such thing as being nice without flirting anymore) and turn you into a puddle of used, damaged, misery on the courtroom floor for everyone to see. 

“She’s obviously unstable, your honor. May we be dismissed?”

Rapist walks free, and you spend the rest of your life paying for therapy.

To be honest with you, I really thought I would write this and then get over it. I write a lot of things that I don’t post, but for some reason this topic keeps coming up. So, here I am posting something that I wanted to write, but didn’t really want to share. And if I’m going to share it, I may as well finish what I started.

The best way to fix the issue of these offenses not being reported when they should be is the same as with most major issues: awareness and education. What to do and WHY to do it in the right time frame is something that needs to be taught. To children. Elementary School children, Middle School children, High School children… And your two-year-old. I’m not joking. If you want a heated debate, argue with me on that. It needs to be brought up in the workplace, in college, everywhere, really. Because who really knows what to do when they’re faced with a situation they never thought would happen to them? And why should anyone ever be punished not only after but FOR being damaged for life.

Another thing that is important to understand when dealing with someone (friend, family member, significant other) who has been sexually abused is that they need a lot of reassurance. Part of that thought cycle never breaks. It repeats, randomly. So, at times they may be fine. But sometimes, they get stuck there in that place. They need to know that people in their life are not there to use them. They’ve already been used. Feeling like you’re not only worthy of the people in your life, but are actually important to them can sometimes be a struggle. Make sure they know that they are important. Yelling is a bad idea. Actually, any kind of overly dominant behavior is a bad idea. In most cases, they already feel inferior to you on some level, don’t make that worse. Sometimes they need to be built up. Sometimes, they can do that for themselves. But sometimes, a little help in the right direction can make a world of difference.

If anyone who has actually been through any kind of abuse is reading this, you need to know that even though you often feel like something has been taken from you, you are still special. You are capable of being loved, and you do deserve it. The above thought process, while recurring, is all wrong. You did not cause what happened to you. I don’t care what reason you’ve come up with to blame yourself, you didn’t. 

Things We Can Fix

I'm going to start out by saying that at the end of this post, I'm going to ask a favor of you that will take less than a minute of your time, just so you don't feel bombarded when we get to that.

The music business can be a wonderful business, and it can be a terrible one. It all depends on where you are and who you choose to surround yourself with. Whoever you are, if you are a part of this business in any form, you're going to experience both sides of that at some point. For most, the terrible parts come in the beginning. But for the less fortunate, it comes when they realize that they haven't played the cards they were dealt in the right way. Be careful with yourself, because some decisions you only get one chance to make.

Don't forget to be bold in your carefulness, though. Because grand decisions can be life-changing in the right way. If you are a musician and you love something you have done, never forget that love. Carry it with you forever, no matter what anyone says about it. You are always going to be your worst honest critic. I feel like the honest part gets left out too often, and is perhaps the most important word in that statement. If you throw something out to the public, they will criticize it. But they may not actually be criticizing because your work is deserving of that criticism. More often, it is because they are projecting from a place of disappointment within themselves. Be confident in the things you have created, always trust love at first listen. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything you create is going to be beautiful. But you will know when it isn't.

Now, let's get back to the music business and all of its' grand faults. It's difficult. Trying to make your name come out of everyone's mouth and stick in everyone's brain is hard work. It's probably the hardest thing you're ever going to attempt to do. I like to think that this process weeds out the weaklings and polishes those who are willing to put in the work. But let's be honest, that isn't always the way things go. Which, if you ask me, is total hogwash. I constantly see musicians deserving of the spotlight they crave getting absolutely no attention. And then there are the ones who sell you garbage, and let's go ahead and be truthful here, YOU BUY IT. I know you do, because I've done it too. Everyone does. But maybe next time you're about to click "purchase" on an album about "dem hoes," you'll think about what you're really providing for those impostors passing themselves off as artists by contributing to their sales. And maybe you'll consider what you're helping them steal from the real artists out there who just want to change your life, even though all they get to eat is Ramen noodles.

I have come to the harsh realization that I alone am never going to be able to fix what's broken in the industry. It doesn't matter how hard I work, how much I want it, or how little of my own life I participate in because I'm so busy trying to change the world. If we, yes I'm dragging you in on this, want the music industry to change, then we have to change it. The answer to this equation is simple: Support those who deserve it. Even if they are competition. I'm looking at you, artists. Support each other, collaborate with one another... share what little outlets you do have, it gives everyone growth.

If all of the independent artists and those working with independent musicians pull together and share connections, the industry giants stand not one single chance. Are you listening? (Lyrical reference, yup.) Do that, okay? Talk with each other, share each other's work on social media. SUPPORT one another. Now, with that being said, I have a friend who isn't a musician, but works in the music business who could really use your help. She manages local talent and works very hard to provide the musicians she represents with everything they need to make a name for themselves. She is truly a miracle worker, and if you're local (Tennessee) and looking for management, there's no one who will invest more time and effort into your music (Besides you). However, she needs a handicap accessible vehicle to get around to gigs and such. In case you don't know those are a little more than a small fortune. She has entered a contest to win one. All I ask of you is to go and vote for her. It literally takes less than a minute, and you don't have to sign up for anything (you can log in with facebook).
HERE'S THE LINK FOR THAT
You can do this daily, but if you'll do it at least once I'll be forever grateful.

If you're a musician and you'd like to take my advice in supporting one another and networking, here's my current list of favorites (Complete with Facebook links)

Dirty Kluger -                Rock/Experimental/Indie (Indianapolis, IN)

Front Porch Society -     Indie Folk/Post Rock (Charlotte, NC)

Jay Mont (NDO) -         Hip-Hop/R&B (Goldmine, GA)

Kristina Grafer -            Alternative Rock (Chicago, IL)

PJ Kingpin Wilson -       R&B/Soul (Barrie, Ontario)

Rebel Revive -               Rock/Pop (Orange County, CA)

Rival Tides -                 Rock (Los Angeles, CA)

Sam Brown -                Pop/Rock (Charlotte,NC)

Shout London -            Pop/Rock (Orlando, FL)

Perception, Conversation & Eight Wise Assumptions

I think it's important to remember that most of the time, people will put on their best faces out in the world, but the best that they are can't possibly be everything they are. And while there may be tons of things that you love about a person that you know to a limited degree, it doesn't mean you're going to love everything about this person, or this person as a whole once you get to know all of them. Don't throw people up on pedestals, ever. It's sure to cause an unrealistic expectation and quite the tumble. Don't be disappointed when you realize that someone is human. You are too.

For instance, I think a lot of things that I never verbalize, or would only speak to certain people. I can only imagine that most people are this way. Otherwise, there would be a lot of inappropriate and unintelligent conversation going on everywhere. There are just some things that aren't meant for certain ears. And taking it a bit further, there's really no need to voice every thought one has anyhow. Some of them hold no value to contribute to either intelligent or entertaining conversation.

When speaking to people you haven't known very long, it's best to make all the right assumptions, and use them wisely.
1. They don't know anything that you do.
Everyone has different interests, hobbies, education, and things that make us who we are. It's best when talking to someone you haven't known for a year or more, to assume that they don't possess any of the knowledge that you do. I don't mean assume they're a moron. I mean assume they know different things than you. And I'm not saying to dumb yourself down around new people. What I'm suggesting is that you don't truck on through a conversation about the inner-workings of a vehicle or nuclear physics, Latin or even laundry with someone assuming they're following you just because they don't stop you to ask questions. A lot of people are terrified of being ignorant of anything. Ask them questions to make sure they are following whatever train you're on and speak to them like nothing is common knowledge. Because honestly, everything has to be learned. Some of the most intelligent people wear 'them shoes with the velcro' because they don't know that rad bunny trick with the laces.

2. They want to learn things.
If someone enjoys your company and conversation, it's safe to assume that your interests intrigue them.
Don't overwhelm them with loads of information all at once. But it's probably a good idea to throw in small insights into a given topic here and there across several conversations.

3. They want to teach you things.
People love to share things they know. That includes everyone. I'm not even going to play it safe on this one. Everyone loves to share things they know. Some people love it because it makes them feel special, some because it makes them look smart, which in turn makes them feel special. Some people love it because they love what they're sharing, some because they feel like what they know is of value and they love who they're sharing it with.

5. They sometimes think about stupid things.
Everyone has that childlike curiosity and thought process sometimes. If I'm standing in an aquarium with a group of people and we're talking about the lifespan of a killer whale, I might think to myself, "I wonder if that little fish beside the whale ever even knew its mother." I'm not going to say that out loud, because what really would be the point? You get where I'm going with this, right? Everyone does it.

6. They sometimes think about things they would never share with you.
And sometimes this is going to happen in your presence. It has nothing to do with you. Actually, on occasion it may, but assume it doesn't. Sometimes it's obvious when an unmentioned thought crosses someone's mind... just let it go. Chances are, if they don't want to tell you, then you're probably better off not hearing it.

7. Neither 5 nor 6 makes them any different than you.
Realize it and embrace it whether you dare admit it aloud or not.

8. You are not better than them, in fact, they might just be better than you in some way.
This is where the line between respecting the unknown value of a person and placing them on a pedestal becomes thin. But, it is important. Try to find the right balance between remaining respectful and gracious and creating unrealistic expectations of a person. Treat people like they are amazing, because most people have the ability to be. But don't expect them to be perfect, because no one has that ability.

Head, Meet Metaphorical Wall

Often in life, I find myself beating my head against that metaphorical wall muttering, “stupid, stupid, stupid!” More often than I enjoy, believe it or not, this happens to me. Well, today there I was again. And usually, the cause of this placement is so blatantly obvious that a solution comes to mind pretty quickly. This, however, is certainly not one of those times. I don’t know how I got here. I’m not sure what wrong move I made or thing I said… so I’m not quite sure what to do to fix it. I suppose instances like these are for learning.

Have I mentioned how I hate research? But the only thing I really know to do is dig in my memory and try to find that one misstep that shifted me onto the wrong path without my noticing it. Feet: they can be sneaky little devils sometimes.

The worst part about it all is my phone has been dead for days, since I've misplaced every single one of my chargers. I can’t even give my best male girlfriend a call so that he can have a good laugh at me and then help me figure out exactly what I did. I lost my imaginary friend a few years ago, so that’s no help either.

After burning through each of these options that would have made my thought process move along with a little more ease and grace, I realize that this time I’m on my own. The funny thing is, on my own is usually how I’d prefer to be. Sure, I love my friends and family and I spend a healthy amount of time with them, but I really like my alone time. And I enjoy fixing things… when they’re things I can look at and touch.

Well, I’m not really even sure what this thing is, but I can’t look at or touch it… so that’s a problem. Although I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this, I’m learning a little about myself as I try to figure it out. It’s past time for me to pay my most beloved friend a visit, because I sure do miss him. And I am absolutely more dependent on other people than I ever thought I was.