How Did I Get Here?

For reasons I'd rather not make public, today has been a seriously stressful day for me. It was one of those big stresses, one of the important ones. It wasn't over something petty, this was some gigantic stuff that I was, or am, dealing with. But at the end of the day, I found myself immensely grateful for so many people that I couldn't find a group to bunch them in. What thing do they all have in common? Me. And then, I had to over-think that... because that's just what I do. I never thought that it was possible to be so blessed that every single person in my life was a treasure, and none of them a chore.

How did I get here? It started the day I decided that I wanted to be happy, whatever that took. I didn't even know. But from that day, I started eliminating negative forces in my life. Everyone has things that aren't positive that they have to deal with from time to time. But I came to find that most of my unhappiness came from other people. I spent too much time, energy, emotion on people who made me miserable. These negative people who were weighing me down were all people that I loved, whether they were friends or family or even significant others (I had to learn that last lesson more than once).

I started with Facebook, as silly as that sounds. Anyone I caught myself saying, "why are all of your posts negative," about, I either unfollowed or removed from my friends list altogether. And then, I stopped worrying about the family members that I had put too much effort into who wouldn't even help themselves. If I found myself in several arguments and very few (or zero) delightful conversations with someone, I quit reaching out to them. I quit responding to them in great detail when they would contact me to complain. I quit feeding the monster. When what had once been an overhaul of negative energy died down, I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to help these people feel better about themselves. It wasn't my responsibility to carry their burdens with them. They wouldn't do it for me.

I'm not saying never do something for someone that they wouldn't do for you. What I am saying is that if someone doesn't add anything positive to your life, you should ask yourself why they're in it at all. Friends that I've known for over a decade, I quit speaking to. Why? Because they were all negative. They didn't add anything good to my life. I am not the same person I was ten years ago, and neither are they. I had to deal with the fact that sometimes life just takes people, who were once connected, down different paths. Family that I had been seriously attached to, I distanced myself from. Why? Because, of all of my relationships, some of my biological bonds were the most toxic. I had to ask myself, "Should I really be doing all of this for this person who obviously doesn't even care about me... who would never help me in any way? Why am I giving them my energy, my brain space, my happiness?"

The significant other thing was a more difficult lesson for me. I think it's because the beginning of a relationship is always positive. But as time goes on, you learn more about a person. And the more you learn isn't always more to love or even like. I never wanted to be the type of person who wouldn't work things out. I always wanted to believe that if both sides were willing to be reasonable and communicate about any issues that came along, two people could make a relationship work. And I still do believe that, but there are stipulations to it. You have to both be honest, first to yourself, and then to one another. If you don't have complete honesty, you won't be able to work through the tiniest issue. Another is that not everyone is compatible. Some people need more work, more care.

I got myself into a situation where if I wasn't alienated, my partner was never going to be happy, even though they would never admit that. They wanted all of my energy, all of my brain space, all of my happiness. They weren't up for sharing it. I'm not a party animal, but I do have friends. I need them. Maybe not everyone does, but I do. And in friendships, I don't see gender. My partner did, and saw the dominant gender on my friends list as a threat to our relationship. Again, that's not something this person would openly admit... not even to their self. That relationship got to the point where it was so stressful that I was never happy. It was void of one of the dominant things that I require: trust. Even though this person said they trusted me, their actions told a completely different story. They needed to know where I was and what I was doing at all hours of the day and night. Needed. If for some reason I didn't tell them within a time-span they deemed acceptable, they would hunt me down via Facebook 'nearby friends.' That IS NOT healthy behavior. I saw that red flag. But I didn't have anything to hide, so I "whatever-ed" it away, and it added to my unhappiness. This, and several other things that I'm not even going to touch on, quickly piled onto my very small shoulders. But the last thing this significant other placed up there, the thing that broke me, was when I caught them in a lie. Now I knew why they couldn't trust me. Because they weren't trustworthy. Perhaps I hand out trust too easily, because I like to believe that people are decent until they give me a reason to believe otherwise. But that's not a behavior or belief that I ever hope to change.

Today, I find myself exactly where I wanted to be when I began to cut negative people from my life. The family that I keep in touch with is loving, supportive, and helpful beyond measure. The friends that I still talk to bring me joy, give me good advice, and they care about my overall well-being. I am in a healthy relationship with someone who makes everything an adventure. The amount of trust they have proven to me repeatedly (perhaps without even realizing it) is unbelievable. I am respected. Any boundaries I set are respected. I am loved, not smothered. I am told all of these things in gestures just as much as in words, and it is magnificent. This relationship does not add an ounce of stress to my life. In fact, my partner is constantly trying to subtract stress from my life. And if I'm being honest, this is probably the first actually healthy relationship I've ever had. Looking back, it's hard to understand why simple things were twisted into such complications in past relationships. I am not, by any means, saying that I am blameless in that. But all I've ever wanted was to love someone who loves me the same way that I love... With trust, affection, and space, appreciation for the things and people in my life that bring me joy... and with passion. I don't know why these things are so rare. I had almost lost all hope that they existed together in anyone else. But I've found it all in one person, and nothing short of a yetti attack is ripping me from this wonderful human being.

Everyone who is in my life today is there for a reason, and it isn't because they have ill intentions. I once told someone that very sentence, and then they proved me wrong. But today, I'm quite certain that it's 100% accurate. I am grateful for every single person who is in my life, and each of these people have made my life better by just being themselves and being in it. I think I have my dream team assembled. I know I have the best support system in the world. And I know that my energy, my brain space, and my emotions are far better distributed than they used to be.