Reflection

I talk a lot without saying much of anything important. I don't do half of what I want to do. I'm always putting someone else before myself, even in times when from the outside it seems I'm being selfish. I have a ton of close acquaintances and a good handful of great friends, but very few people get to really see me. I share myself in bits and pieces but never all of me with anyone, I honestly don't think anyone has known me in the past 10 years without me holding something back.

Several months ago, I ended a 5 year relationship with someone I've known for most of my life... for both of us to later realize that even he didn't know me as well as he should have, and that was my fault. And it's okay. I've been burned by people I've loved without condition. And those people happen to be the ones that got that. They got me, unfiltered. And then, they left. Several times over, and I repeatedly let those people back into my life without any barriers or guards. Exactly two people have broken my heart. Those people built my walls for me. And to make matters better, both of them walked away for substances that will only eventually kill them. I'm not better than that?

I've been trying so hard to take down those walls, brick by brick, but it's taking me time. Time I wish I could be spending on the other side of them. There are things in my life I could and would work around to be loved the right way. And that can come in any form. Love does not always have to do with romance. But every now and then, I can see the light shining through the wall where I've painfully, yet successfully removed a portion of it. And in those moments I often wish that there would just one time be someone on the other side of that wall with a jackhammer, trying just as hard as I am to tear it down. Every now and then I could use a little help. Everyone says words mean nothing and I'll admit that actions speak more. But sometimes, words are what I need.

I still spend most of my time in my little force-field wondering if the light on the other side of that wall is something worth removing another brick with my bare hands for or if it might actually be a train with someone I thought was worth it in control waiting to plow me over. Control, that's another issue. I've had people mention the fact that I don't always make eye contact when I speak to them. It makes them feel like I'm being dishonest or like I'm up to something. That is not a sign of dishonesty from me. It's a learned behavior. Another battle for me, yay. I could write a book and most of the people close to me would die of shock over just half of what I've been through. Yet, I seem pretty open, even from behind these walls, don't I? I can talk to pretty much anyone about pretty much anything, just not everything.

But of all the issues I deal with, my most persistent one is urgency. Whatever is happening right now defines the situation. I fight that so hard but it still happens daily. If you call or text me one day and I'm like, "I'm sorry, who is this?" that means it's been a month since I've talked to you, and I've pretty well assumed you're finished with whatever you were using me for. .

I've been objectified and used in some form or another by people since age four and I don't assume the world is going to change the way it sees me any time soon, therefore, that's how I initially see people. I have something they want or the ability to do something they want. Why else would they enter my life? Those who have been around for years, I stopped seeing you like this yesterday. That's probably not even that much of an exaggeration. It seems my life runs in 5 year spans so I'd say if you've been around for 6 or more, I consider you in that handful I mentioned earlier.

None of this is really significant information for anyone to know. I'm just in the process of trying to improve myself so that I can enjoy life more, and the best place to start is reflection. I guess if you get anything out of reading this, it should be that most people are a mess in some way. We are victims of life only if we let experiences define us.

I'll admit to allowing past experience to dictate the way I see people in general and how I deal with things internally. And yeah, everyone should learn from experience, but letting the past control you is stupid. I've made a lot of improvements in opening up to people and thus far it hasn't really yielded any grand results. Want to know why? Because I'm not the only one closed off because of the way people treat each other. Most people find it hard to accept that someone is in their life because they want to be there and not because they want something from them. And people always leave, so getting attached is dangerous. It pretty much comes down to trust. Can I trust that this person is what they seem? Can I trust that they'll stay? Feeling like the answer could be yes to both of those questions is scary. But when you find someone you can answer yes to those questions about and not constantly doubt it, it's a beautiful feeling. Eventually that will come around for me again, and for you too, if you let it.