Two Letters That Control You

Fear is a dirty word. But what's even worse is that tiny, seemingly insignificant word that is almost always behind fear. The cause of nearly every single terror is "if."
If and then and might. If I do this then that might happen. If you ask me, that's a pretty shaky phrase to base even the smallest of decisions on. But we do it, we all do it, almost daily. And we condition ourselves this way, too. The "if" in question is often pulled from a "then" that has already occurred once before in life. Then, then, then... why you gotta stick around in the corners of my brain? It doesn't even matter if we're over the specific "then." We don't forget the ways in which we never want to feel again. So, we "if" ourselves right out of actions that could just make up for all of that misery the former "thens" have caused. I don't want to be that way... I wont. I'll no longer play it safe. I see no reason to go anywhere half way.  Holding the potential for something amazing and missing out on it for fear of two little letters is tragic. I want to feel fireworks and I won't settle for sparklers.

Why Would They Wait?

I had a debate with a friend the other day that got my mind stuck on this topic. The discussion started over the Sam Pepper stuff. If you don’t know, he’s being accused of a wide range of sexual crimes. However, any solid proof remains to be seen because the victims all waited too long to report these offenses to actually be able to provide any physical evidence. My friend’s reasoning was that yes, he feels sympathy for victims of crimes like this, but why would they wait to come forward with such serious accusations? I couldn’t seem to get one simple point across to him in a way he could understand. So, I’m going to try to explain it in greater detail in a minute. But for now, the simple and short version is this: the thought process of someone who has been seriously violated is not at all logical. Not at all.

As human beings with life experiences and through observing the experiences of others, we learn logic. We understand blame, fault, right and wrong. Sitting in a jury, most people would be able to decide fairly quickly who did what wrong and where blame lies. It’s pretty safe to say that when something really traumatic happens to you, though, the lines become blurred. We don’t want to make a fuss, maybe we’re exaggerating.

Maybe it’s our brain telling us that something this horrible could not have possibly happened to us to try to save us from the sure psychological agony that would follow if we let ourselves believe that what actually happened… happened. Maybe it’s adrenaline and hormones clouding our judgment. I don’t know the exact scientific reasoning off hand, but I do know this: A victim of sexual abuse does not think clearly about the offense. You can argue with me about that until you’re blue in the face and you will not change my mind. This is something I’m sure of.

In order to attempt to help people understand why sexual abuse (of any kind, but more specifically, rape) is often not reported immediately after it happens, I have decided to walk you through the mind of a victim so that maybe, just maybe, it can be understood why anyone would wait. Why would they wait until after they’ve taken a shower? Why would they wait until the lacerations have healed? What possible reason would they have to even report it weeks after it happened? If it didn’t bother them enough to report it when it happened, there’s no sense in worrying about it now. What most people don’t realize is that that is exactly the problem. This person has been through absolute turmoil within their own mind from the second of contact until… well, they still are. And I’m not talking about one specific person. I’m talking about all of them. Anyone who has ever been forced to participate in any sexual act against their will, no matter how small that act may seem within our society.

Before I continue, I need to stress that the portion below is absolutely NOT what I think is the correct way of thinking and not how I feel about people who have been in this situation. It is absolutely an irrational thought process, and is wrong on so many levels.

During the act:

During whatever act of sexual abuse is happening, there is a lot going on in the mind of a victim all at once. At first, there’s disbelief, “This isn’t really happening to me.” Maybe it’s a nightmare, maybe I’m hallucinating. This isn’t real. When the victim decides it is real, then comes fear. The ultimate fear. We’ve all seen murder mysteries. We know what happens to the girl you rape. You kill her to cover your tracks. Am I going to die?

Then there’s that span of time where your mind is with your body and you pay attention to every detail. Agony. Complete and utter physical and mental agony. Worse than anything you can imagine. And heartbreak like you’re not even capable of comprehending. At some point you pull yourself out of feeling all of that pain and time slows down as it seems like you’re watching something horrible that you can't stop,  happening… to yourself.  Then there’s fight or flight: in most cases, it’s going to be flight. Your brain is trying to decide what the quickest, safest escape for you is once this person decides they’re done. Because nobody really wants to end up dead, even if they’ve just been through something traumatic.

Once it’s over and you’ve made it a safe distance alive (Seriously, fear of being murdered is probably the most logical of all of this thought process), the best way to describe the jumbled mess of feelings is horror. You feel violated and disgusted. Then, there’s fear again. If you tell someone what just happened to you, what will the person who did it do? Obviously, they’re capable of some pretty horrible things.

There’s the blame/guilt phase of the thought process in which somehow, the victim always finds a way to blame his or herself for what has just happened to them. I shouldn’t have been drunk. I shouldn’t have worn that. They rack their brain for anything and everything they could have done differently to prevent the act. This is the stage where logic leaves the thought process. You will use things to put blame on yourself that you would never use had you been evaluating the same situation happening to someone (anyone) else.

Shame/self-disgust: Since inside of your mind, this thing that happened to you was clearly your fault, you become ashamed of what “you did.” This and the blame/guilt portion of the thought process are the main factors in why rape does not get reported before physical evidence has been 1. Washed away; and 2. Healed (yes, it often takes that long to realize that you’re not thinking rationally). You feel repulsive, disgusting, and dirty. The first thing a person who feels dirtier than they ever have in their life is going to do is bathe. A shower will not wash the images from your mind or the way you now feel about yourself, but it will wash away the most likely to convict evidence.

Self-image: And how do you feel about yourself now? You’re disgusting. A filthy creature. Like I said, logic is gone, for had this actually been consensual, you would not be repulsed. And in a lot of cases, you feel like a tease. If I hadn’t done/worn this or that, this person wouldn’t have done this. You feel like you owed whatever they got out of the act to them. And then, you feel like a whore. You’ve committed some sexual act with someone you didn’t want to. That makes you a whore. So now, you’re a disgusting pile of garbage and you’re never going to deserve a consensual relationship of any kind again. Because you’re filthy, you’re no longer good enough for anyone you may actually want to be with.

What usually happens after all of this is that someone has to convince the victim they have been victimized. Sometimes this is done indirectly. A lot of times, actually, because often this topic never leaves the victim’s mind. What I mean is they don’t often talk about it… because: shame. Once they realize and admit to themselves that they actually have been done wrong, and they’re sure of it THEN they go to the police. Only then. But this step doesn’t always happen. And even when it does, it’s usually way too late for a conviction. And then, what good does a trial do the victim? It does mounds and mounds of damage to their psychological state and absolutely nothing to the violator. Proof is important. If there is none, there is no case. But you better believe that that scumbag’s lawyer is going to bring up those irrational things you’ve already thought about your skirt being too short or that time you were nice to the guy (A.K.A. “flirted” with him, because there’s no such thing as being nice without flirting anymore) and turn you into a puddle of used, damaged, misery on the courtroom floor for everyone to see. 

“She’s obviously unstable, your honor. May we be dismissed?”

Rapist walks free, and you spend the rest of your life paying for therapy.

To be honest with you, I really thought I would write this and then get over it. I write a lot of things that I don’t post, but for some reason this topic keeps coming up. So, here I am posting something that I wanted to write, but didn’t really want to share. And if I’m going to share it, I may as well finish what I started.

The best way to fix the issue of these offenses not being reported when they should be is the same as with most major issues: awareness and education. What to do and WHY to do it in the right time frame is something that needs to be taught. To children. Elementary School children, Middle School children, High School children… And your two-year-old. I’m not joking. If you want a heated debate, argue with me on that. It needs to be brought up in the workplace, in college, everywhere, really. Because who really knows what to do when they’re faced with a situation they never thought would happen to them? And why should anyone ever be punished not only after but FOR being damaged for life.

Another thing that is important to understand when dealing with someone (friend, family member, significant other) who has been sexually abused is that they need a lot of reassurance. Part of that thought cycle never breaks. It repeats, randomly. So, at times they may be fine. But sometimes, they get stuck there in that place. They need to know that people in their life are not there to use them. They’ve already been used. Feeling like you’re not only worthy of the people in your life, but are actually important to them can sometimes be a struggle. Make sure they know that they are important. Yelling is a bad idea. Actually, any kind of overly dominant behavior is a bad idea. In most cases, they already feel inferior to you on some level, don’t make that worse. Sometimes they need to be built up. Sometimes, they can do that for themselves. But sometimes, a little help in the right direction can make a world of difference.

If anyone who has actually been through any kind of abuse is reading this, you need to know that even though you often feel like something has been taken from you, you are still special. You are capable of being loved, and you do deserve it. The above thought process, while recurring, is all wrong. You did not cause what happened to you. I don’t care what reason you’ve come up with to blame yourself, you didn’t. 

Things We Can Fix

I'm going to start out by saying that at the end of this post, I'm going to ask a favor of you that will take less than a minute of your time, just so you don't feel bombarded when we get to that.

The music business can be a wonderful business, and it can be a terrible one. It all depends on where you are and who you choose to surround yourself with. Whoever you are, if you are a part of this business in any form, you're going to experience both sides of that at some point. For most, the terrible parts come in the beginning. But for the less fortunate, it comes when they realize that they haven't played the cards they were dealt in the right way. Be careful with yourself, because some decisions you only get one chance to make.

Don't forget to be bold in your carefulness, though. Because grand decisions can be life-changing in the right way. If you are a musician and you love something you have done, never forget that love. Carry it with you forever, no matter what anyone says about it. You are always going to be your worst honest critic. I feel like the honest part gets left out too often, and is perhaps the most important word in that statement. If you throw something out to the public, they will criticize it. But they may not actually be criticizing because your work is deserving of that criticism. More often, it is because they are projecting from a place of disappointment within themselves. Be confident in the things you have created, always trust love at first listen. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that everything you create is going to be beautiful. But you will know when it isn't.

Now, let's get back to the music business and all of its' grand faults. It's difficult. Trying to make your name come out of everyone's mouth and stick in everyone's brain is hard work. It's probably the hardest thing you're ever going to attempt to do. I like to think that this process weeds out the weaklings and polishes those who are willing to put in the work. But let's be honest, that isn't always the way things go. Which, if you ask me, is total hogwash. I constantly see musicians deserving of the spotlight they crave getting absolutely no attention. And then there are the ones who sell you garbage, and let's go ahead and be truthful here, YOU BUY IT. I know you do, because I've done it too. Everyone does. But maybe next time you're about to click "purchase" on an album about "dem hoes," you'll think about what you're really providing for those impostors passing themselves off as artists by contributing to their sales. And maybe you'll consider what you're helping them steal from the real artists out there who just want to change your life, even though all they get to eat is Ramen noodles.

I have come to the harsh realization that I alone am never going to be able to fix what's broken in the industry. It doesn't matter how hard I work, how much I want it, or how little of my own life I participate in because I'm so busy trying to change the world. If we, yes I'm dragging you in on this, want the music industry to change, then we have to change it. The answer to this equation is simple: Support those who deserve it. Even if they are competition. I'm looking at you, artists. Support each other, collaborate with one another... share what little outlets you do have, it gives everyone growth.

If all of the independent artists and those working with independent musicians pull together and share connections, the industry giants stand not one single chance. Are you listening? (Lyrical reference, yup.) Do that, okay? Talk with each other, share each other's work on social media. SUPPORT one another. Now, with that being said, I have a friend who isn't a musician, but works in the music business who could really use your help. She manages local talent and works very hard to provide the musicians she represents with everything they need to make a name for themselves. She is truly a miracle worker, and if you're local (Tennessee) and looking for management, there's no one who will invest more time and effort into your music (Besides you). However, she needs a handicap accessible vehicle to get around to gigs and such. In case you don't know those are a little more than a small fortune. She has entered a contest to win one. All I ask of you is to go and vote for her. It literally takes less than a minute, and you don't have to sign up for anything (you can log in with facebook).
HERE'S THE LINK FOR THAT
You can do this daily, but if you'll do it at least once I'll be forever grateful.

If you're a musician and you'd like to take my advice in supporting one another and networking, here's my current list of favorites (Complete with Facebook links)

Dirty Kluger -                Rock/Experimental/Indie (Indianapolis, IN)

Front Porch Society -     Indie Folk/Post Rock (Charlotte, NC)

Jay Mont (NDO) -         Hip-Hop/R&B (Goldmine, GA)

Kristina Grafer -            Alternative Rock (Chicago, IL)

PJ Kingpin Wilson -       R&B/Soul (Barrie, Ontario)

Rebel Revive -               Rock/Pop (Orange County, CA)

Rival Tides -                 Rock (Los Angeles, CA)

Sam Brown -                Pop/Rock (Charlotte,NC)

Shout London -            Pop/Rock (Orlando, FL)

Perception, Conversation & Eight Wise Assumptions

I think it's important to remember that most of the time, people will put on their best faces out in the world, but the best that they are can't possibly be everything they are. And while there may be tons of things that you love about a person that you know to a limited degree, it doesn't mean you're going to love everything about this person, or this person as a whole once you get to know all of them. Don't throw people up on pedestals, ever. It's sure to cause an unrealistic expectation and quite the tumble. Don't be disappointed when you realize that someone is human. You are too.

For instance, I think a lot of things that I never verbalize, or would only speak to certain people. I can only imagine that most people are this way. Otherwise, there would be a lot of inappropriate and unintelligent conversation going on everywhere. There are just some things that aren't meant for certain ears. And taking it a bit further, there's really no need to voice every thought one has anyhow. Some of them hold no value to contribute to either intelligent or entertaining conversation.

When speaking to people you haven't known very long, it's best to make all the right assumptions, and use them wisely.
1. They don't know anything that you do.
Everyone has different interests, hobbies, education, and things that make us who we are. It's best when talking to someone you haven't known for a year or more, to assume that they don't possess any of the knowledge that you do. I don't mean assume they're a moron. I mean assume they know different things than you. And I'm not saying to dumb yourself down around new people. What I'm suggesting is that you don't truck on through a conversation about the inner-workings of a vehicle or nuclear physics, Latin or even laundry with someone assuming they're following you just because they don't stop you to ask questions. A lot of people are terrified of being ignorant of anything. Ask them questions to make sure they are following whatever train you're on and speak to them like nothing is common knowledge. Because honestly, everything has to be learned. Some of the most intelligent people wear 'them shoes with the velcro' because they don't know that rad bunny trick with the laces.

2. They want to learn things.
If someone enjoys your company and conversation, it's safe to assume that your interests intrigue them.
Don't overwhelm them with loads of information all at once. But it's probably a good idea to throw in small insights into a given topic here and there across several conversations.

3. They want to teach you things.
People love to share things they know. That includes everyone. I'm not even going to play it safe on this one. Everyone loves to share things they know. Some people love it because it makes them feel special, some because it makes them look smart, which in turn makes them feel special. Some people love it because they love what they're sharing, some because they feel like what they know is of value and they love who they're sharing it with.

5. They sometimes think about stupid things.
Everyone has that childlike curiosity and thought process sometimes. If I'm standing in an aquarium with a group of people and we're talking about the lifespan of a killer whale, I might think to myself, "I wonder if that little fish beside the whale ever even knew its mother." I'm not going to say that out loud, because what really would be the point? You get where I'm going with this, right? Everyone does it.

6. They sometimes think about things they would never share with you.
And sometimes this is going to happen in your presence. It has nothing to do with you. Actually, on occasion it may, but assume it doesn't. Sometimes it's obvious when an unmentioned thought crosses someone's mind... just let it go. Chances are, if they don't want to tell you, then you're probably better off not hearing it.

7. Neither 5 nor 6 makes them any different than you.
Realize it and embrace it whether you dare admit it aloud or not.

8. You are not better than them, in fact, they might just be better than you in some way.
This is where the line between respecting the unknown value of a person and placing them on a pedestal becomes thin. But, it is important. Try to find the right balance between remaining respectful and gracious and creating unrealistic expectations of a person. Treat people like they are amazing, because most people have the ability to be. But don't expect them to be perfect, because no one has that ability.

Head, Meet Metaphorical Wall

Often in life, I find myself beating my head against that metaphorical wall muttering, “stupid, stupid, stupid!” More often than I enjoy, believe it or not, this happens to me. Well, today there I was again. And usually, the cause of this placement is so blatantly obvious that a solution comes to mind pretty quickly. This, however, is certainly not one of those times. I don’t know how I got here. I’m not sure what wrong move I made or thing I said… so I’m not quite sure what to do to fix it. I suppose instances like these are for learning.

Have I mentioned how I hate research? But the only thing I really know to do is dig in my memory and try to find that one misstep that shifted me onto the wrong path without my noticing it. Feet: they can be sneaky little devils sometimes.

The worst part about it all is my phone has been dead for days, since I've misplaced every single one of my chargers. I can’t even give my best male girlfriend a call so that he can have a good laugh at me and then help me figure out exactly what I did. I lost my imaginary friend a few years ago, so that’s no help either.

After burning through each of these options that would have made my thought process move along with a little more ease and grace, I realize that this time I’m on my own. The funny thing is, on my own is usually how I’d prefer to be. Sure, I love my friends and family and I spend a healthy amount of time with them, but I really like my alone time. And I enjoy fixing things… when they’re things I can look at and touch.

Well, I’m not really even sure what this thing is, but I can’t look at or touch it… so that’s a problem. Although I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this, I’m learning a little about myself as I try to figure it out. It’s past time for me to pay my most beloved friend a visit, because I sure do miss him. And I am absolutely more dependent on other people than I ever thought I was.

Reciprocation: an unstructured ramble & open thank you letter.

The music industry is tough. I know, leave it to me to point out the obvious. Trust me, I'm coming to a point. It forces musicians to develop a tough exterior, which can sometimes cause them to miss out on things. Things like love. I'm not talking about romance. There is a special kind of love reserved for original musicians. Did you know that? It took me a long time to realize that I was in love with music. Again, I'm not talking about romance, so don't go thinking I'm some kind of weirdo. I didn't always understand that everyone doesn't feel the way I do about music. Sure, everyone enjoys music. But it took years of me shoving music onto people to realize that they don't care about it as much as I do because they don't get the same feeling I do about it.

Let's just talk about it: fandom. I'm not talking about obsession or being a stalker or living and breathing one musical act. I'm talking about fundamental admiration not deeming one mental. Haha. Did you like that? I just came up with that off of the top of my head. Sorry, let's move on. Connecting with someone you've never met through feelings and experiences can really be an outrageous thing. Let's face it, there are feelings that we all have at some point, and sometimes those feelings are hard to express. Musicians are those who have the talent to not only put those experiences into words, but also reconnect with and convey the emotion those milestones in life create.

I'm all over the place, but I'm just going to go with my train of thought here. Another reason being a musician can be difficult is just what I said a moment ago. They reconnect with those emotions every single time they sing the songs they wrote about them. Any great musician will take themselves back to that place that pulled those words from their heart to the paper. They do that for you, for us, the ones who love their music. They do it for the people who need to be healed from an experience they've also went through. In a way, they're giving something really important up to be able to connect with and heal us. They're giving up the opportunity to heal their own emotional wounds. They're giving up closure on what can sometimes be a sad or painful experience.

This is why live shows are such a beautiful thing. This is why concerts are never going to be obsolete. And this is why music is so powerful. The industry and sounds that come from it are constantly changing. But there is one thing that will never change: people love music for the feeling it gives them. They get feelings from lyrics that they can identify with. So, in a lot of ways, people connect with musicians who are (or have been at some point) a lot like themselves.

Call me a thrill-seeker, I'm always searching for those feelings, and often I find them. I've found them in Oscar Bell, who is a legend and he doesn't even know it yet. Every single original piece from him is like a gift from heaven wrapped in gold and warmth. I've found it in Rebel Revive, who somehow manage to simultaneously rock my world and bring me to tears. I've found it in Shout London, who I could write about for days, but let's just say they get relationships, every kind. I've found them in Kristina Grafer who, without knowing it, has helped me find parts of myself that I had left behind a long time ago, parts of me that needed to resurface. She managed to help me do that in just the right way, and for that I will be forever grateful. I've found it in Jay Mont, who has reminded me how much I really do love hip-hop and R&B when it's presented as an art form rather than an excuse to be gangster and tell the world how much money you have. He's reminded me that it actually is an art form, and it can be beautiful and extremely therapeutic. I've found it in Sam Brown, who virtually handed me happiness, which is a nice thing to own.

The more I think about it the more I also realize that these people, these artists I have just mentioned are also the ones who I've seen put forth the most effort in their music and in getting it heard. These are the ones that put in the sweat. Yes, sweat. Sweat, and hours, and stress and... tears, I can only imagine. These are the passionate ones. If you listen to absolutely nothing else I've ever told you, be assured that this much is fact: that list of artists I just spouted is a bunch of people you could really benefit from listening to, even if country is your favorite genre (which by the way, there is none of on that list). Okay, okay, I'll be more straight forward about it... That list of artists I just spouted is a bunch of people you could really benefit from listening to if you are human. If you're an alien, it might not do you any good. Otherwise, I have no doubt that therein that list lies magic for you in the very least with ONE of those artists.

I want to apologize for jumping all around in this post. Something an artist I really admire said to me got me on the train of thought that started this post. Here's the station that train was originally headed to (sorry about the detours):

I see a lot of talented artists missing out on the love that their fans are trying so hard to send them, and that's a tragedy. I have had the pleasure of communicating with several artists over the past couple of years. Some of them want you to listen to their music, and that's all. They don't want to hear about the way their music makes you feel. They don't want to hear about the reaction people you've shared their music with have had. They just see you as a number that has dollar signs in its pocket. But then there are the ones who accept that love, and actually love you back. And I can tell you that that is something irreplaceable. No amount of work, intelligence, beauty or promotion will ever top that, at least not in my eyes. Building relationships with people is a fundamental action in the music business. And I believe that it can help not only to build a stronger and more loyal fanbase, but to fill a void that often happens to an artist later on in a musical career. The ones that throw up a wall and see their fans as figures on a chart will, at some point, be miserable no matter how much monetary success their career brings. I speak only as an outside observer, but trust me, I'm observing constantly and closely.

I want to thank Oscar Bell, Rebel Revive, Shout London, Kristina Grafer, Jay Mont, and Sam Brown for being the type of artists that make ear oxygen, work hard to share it, and love back.

I also want to thank all of the other musicians out there that I have yet to find on my journey that are waiting to love my love for their music also.